Give Hope to others is to Give Hope to Self :)
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room ‘ s only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake . Ducks and swans played on
the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque
scene.
One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind’ s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days, weeks and months passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find
the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.
She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making
sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.
It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
She said, ‘Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.’
Epilogue:
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can’ t buy.
‘Today is a gift, that is why it is called ‘The Present.’
The origin of this letter is unknown, but it can help lift those you share with!
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Uncategorized | Comment (0)The Wooden Bowl
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered
The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and
Failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
‘We must do something about father,’ said the son.
‘I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.’
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, ‘What are you making?’ Just as sweetly, the boy responded,
‘Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.
‘ The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.
That evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gen! tly led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,
Neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
On a positive note, I’ve learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:
A rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as making a ‘life..’
I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands.You nee d to be able to throw something back sometimes.
I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you
But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others,
Your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you
I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.
I’ve learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch — holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
(This story is given by one of my friend through email…)
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Reflection: Church Community and Discipleship
Name: Nina Chan Tien Sin (Malaysia)
Date: 14th February 2009
Question: Is there anything in our short review of church history that you find important or relevant for the Church today?
Since the day I came to Philippines 10 months ago, there are many questions that always pondering in my heart, that I hardly find the answer until today. Why Philippines have so many poor people? Why poor families whom hardly find a job still have so many children waiting to be feed daily? Why so many rich priests in Church and seminarians every where? Isn’t this Catholic country, the land of God? Where is God? I am very disturbed by this situation.
Look back my country, Malaysia which our official religion is Islam and majority people are Muslim, when there are conflicts between different political parties and races, social issues etc and the Church have no right to say anything or didn’t even try to stand up for justice, I always think, if Malaysia’s official religion is Catholic, maybe the life will be better. Unfortunately, my 10 months experience in Philippines proves to me, Catholic country is no better than Muslim country. (Please don’t feel offence, no intention to humiliate Philippines but this is my real feeling)
Church highly power
Through the short review of our Church History, I was disturbed again by the break out or the separation of Western Catholic Church into Protestant Churches.
Back to the 14th – 15th centuries, the Western Church became so powerful, not only in religious life but also in political and economic aspects of European society. I reflected this situation that is really happening in Philippines right now.
Seems like the Church in Philippines has the equal power or maybe even have higher power than the government. Government consulting church leaders such as bishops and cardinal for policies making, I believe everything that’s announced by the Church will affected the whole nation, no matter is regarding political decision, policies etc.
People believe in Church, no matter what the priests say in Mass, people will believe without further reflection. Every word that the church says has to be very careful for not misleading the people.
If the Church is so powerful and have the equal status with government that I have to again asking the same question “Why people still poor? What is the policy that really is helping for human development?”
It is clear that, even though the Church is powerful but yet the wealth and social power in this country is not well distributed among the people.
Reflecting the situation in Malaysia, religions has limited influence in governmental and policies making; different races sharing power and right in government (this is one of the efforts) that makes Malaysia progress well after independent from British government since 1957.
Corruption, decadent lifestyle, and immorality in the Church
Corruption, decadent lifestyle and immorality in the Church; is it only happened in the past? Or still happening in the present world? My answer, it is definitely still happening today.
During the time of Martin Luther, Mass became business in the Church, the pope asking for money to build Vatican and the churches in Rome, indulgences; people willing to pay big sum for the sins that committed. Because of money, people rushing to the seminary to become seminarian and priest; because of money, people lost the dignity.
I was surprise with some priests sharing in many local churches, it still happening until today, that some priests are using Mass as the source of income. Every Mass that they say, they will receive minimum Peso 500.
I also heard that many priests continue to stay in their vocation but at the same time having their own family and children illegally. Even though I don’t have the prove and I never really meet with such a priest, but these stories make me reflect deeply.
Conclusion
What happen to our church today? After so many hundred years, have we not learn anything from the past? What is the Vatican II for? Is it just a “cover” to cover the darkness of human weakness? How effective is the Vatican II or even the church teaching?
If the teaching of the church is absolutely right, if the church is really for the poor, than why so many priests and seminarians can change expensive mobile phones every years and buy high technology laptop, while people just live right outside the church compound have no food to ear? I don’t understand and I don’t have any answer for this, just feel sad and pity.
If there is still no awareness or change in the situation in present church, will people still have hope in future? Will our church today having the same ending like 600 years ago? Or facing the risk of totally dies out in future?
I hope not. I know my reflection paper sound a little anger and negative, but this is the real feeling I am having now as I am writing this paper. I hope something positive can happen to help me see the hope in Philippines and encourage me to return to this land in near future.
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Help the poor
The purpose of this letter is to help the school and the poor students from different countries.
I worked as a News Journalist in Malaysia.Mingling with people in high positions in society was an ordinary thing for me. Handling sensational news, I worked hard to be the best on the team.However I soon realized that I was slowly being robbed of my ability to feel for others. Making it to the front page took priority over the tragedy of others. I lost my ability to cry and to feel for others. I never realized that I was slowly moving away from God and losing my faith as a Catholic.
Then I encountered Jesus again through Fondacio, which led me to the Institute of Formation. I have been here at the Institute of Formation for 6 months now.Looking at my journey since my arrival, I feel something in me has begun to change. My biggest challenge is to let go of the Nina that I use to know and to live in the here and now.I am slowly learning how to feel again, to let the real me live, become a real follower of Christ.
My first challenge at the Institute was “to do nothing” for the first months. I was struck by these words.“Do Nothing”? I thought my purpose to be at the Institute was to learn, study, to change myself and to do something for my future mission!I was disturbed but deep within I accepted to “do nothing”.
It was hard to do nothing. In reality I was no more employed as a news journalist, no deadlines to meet, no more busy life meeting up with family and friends, no more shopping, no more movies, no more “24 hours internet”, basically no external entertainment at all.The feeling of doing nothing was like being bitten by a thousand ants … very uncomfortable!
But, as I learnt to let go and ‘do nothing’, I slowly began to enjoy being a student again. Together with another 20 students from 6 different countries I am attending Theology classes, participating in in-house formation sessions, parish exposures and taking care of my personal growth and healing. I feel my relationship with God growing slowly but surely.
I hope that through this one yearI can better equip myself to live my calling as a Christian journalist.I wish to share hope and love through the written and printed word, particularly to Chinese speaking Catholics.
The Institute of Formation takes charge of my expenses for food, lodging and tuition fees.I have been able to find whatever I need to pay for my pocket money, air fare and airport tax, through the faithfulness and partnership of friends and relatives.However there are other students with me who come from difficult situations and who are not able to find what is needed.I believe that if God has brought us together here, He has also prepared others to walk with us and support us in our mission.
I believe your support in whatever way, big or small, will help the students at the Institute to complete this year of formation and respond to the mission that awaits them in their countries.
I pray that God will shower upon you and your family His blessings.
Kindly return me the sponsorship form whatever is your response. Thank you.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Teach me how to communicate
Bagong Silang Immersion Reflection: Nina Chan
I went for immersion with not much of expectation. Two major reason were because: firstly, I was not satisfy with the arrangement of place, I thought I can have holiday at beautiful beaches, and never think of going Bagong Silang; secondly, I was very much disturbed by formators asking me to be the co-facilitator for Bagong Silang team; I was very angry but didn’t bother much the reason to get angry.
The only thing that I was very sure, I never want to be leader in any situation. I don’t see myself have any leadership, I like to be free. I think maybe that’s the nature of being journalist, or maybe it is in my blood that I like to be free. The only different of me from the rest of students, maybe just the back ground story. I believe some of them are even better than me.
Even though I carried the angriness in me and went for immersion, but some how deep inside me I still challenge myself, not to see things according to my way. Internally, I want to challenge myself, how much I can trust in God in everything that I see, everything that I listen and everything that I experience in Bagong Silang. So even though not happy and not willing to be, I continue the journey.
The first night staying at Bagong Silang, I was shock by the poverty through my foster family. Very small and dirty house, no bed, no clean water for bath, the house is lack of air circulation, I felt hard to breath. But there was not much time for me to worry about myself because I was worrying about my team members. When one of them Yuning texted me saying he is sick and can’t even get up from his bed, cannot sleep etc, I was very worried and try to find the solution, try to find someone to show me the way to Yuning house, try to send the medicine the next morning. I was an unsleeping and unmerciful night.
The parent are very friendly, especially the mother is very warm person. The father is very open to me, the first hour we meet each other, he started to tell me his family problems, his son who die in gun shoot, his worried and hope for the daughter to finish her study and take care the younger brother and mother, and he himself is always prepare to die.
Most of time during the immersion, I tried to observe how my team members feel, what are their needs, trying to help them participate in big group meeting and sharing, checking if anyone sick, happy or sad, hungry or full, helping them to reflect the daily experiences and try to listen and see how God works in each one of them, give them freedom to be who they are.
I was not sure I have done the right things because I make most of them misunderstand me. Someone told me, I seem like controlling my group members, and I didn’t give them freedom to speak. Some said, I don’t trust them. Yuning even said once, I don’t believe he is sick.
I keep on reflecting, despite I myself being heavy sick, what is really going on? Where is all these misunderstandings come from? What’s wrong with me? What if everything that they said is right? I don’t know. As I reflect deeper, I think I know the reason why and I know what happen to me. Maybe unconsciously I treated everyone around me as my sister. Someone that I love deeply but feel most difficult to express my feeling; someone that I try to protect but I failed.
During the immersion, physically I was very sick after the 3rd days. Through the sickness, I allow myself to be weak and take care by my covenant group. Also through the conflicts, misunderstanding and sickness, I discover my fear to be an effective leader through my relationship with my own sister.
I realise that I have difficulty in communication with ordinary people in ordinary life. It is very crucial for me to admit my limitation as I was graduated in Mass Communication and worked as journalist for 6 years. I have to admit that I need to allow myself to back to simplicity and start everything from 0.
After immersion, I hope I can slowly overcome my fear and my limitation being a leader or an elderly sister, learn to communicate with ordinary people in ordinary life through the community. I realise that I didn’t really let-go the Nina who was proud and always staying high.
If one day, God really wants me to do His mission, and I really ready to follow His will, I have to let-go the Nina and come down to earth again. But the question now still is am I ready? As I have experience God’s unconditionally love, now the question is how can I love unconditionally? This will be my great challenge for life.
(Written on mid of October )
Reflection of Life Faith and Theology
Title: My Reflection of “The Important Of Theology”
Date: 13th July 2008
Since I was very young, I always thought theology is studies only for priests, nuns and religious. Theology can only be studied in Theology Schools, seminaries, universities and is not for ordinary people or believers like me. Although I grow up in a Catholic family, I never heard of the word “Theology” until I was 17 years old that was the year I received the Sacrament of Confirmation.
When I was in university, it once crossed my mind that I should study theology abroad, but finally I give up the idea due to the reality of my situation. Some one told me that theology cannot be used in daily life and that I might end up starving and begging on the streets. With this I chose to complete my degree in Journalism and there after I started my dream job as a journalist.
I never dream that the day will come when I will study theology, the study of my God and my Faith. Now I am actually doing it. I feel very excited to come to SVST every Monday till Wednesday. At the same time I see the Fondacio In-House Formation as being as importance as studying theology. The reality of studying together with seminarians, religious and having priests and nuns as my teachers is more than I could expect. I see this as a blessing from our Lord Jesus.
In the article of “An Invitation to Doing Theology” which was given by Dr. Manny, there are 7 pages full of words to explain “What Theology is” and “How it is done”. In this article, only 1 sentence strike me as significant, which is “God is touching us in the ordinary things and events of our Life”, ref. pg. 4.
For the past 5 to 6 years, working as a journalist for a local Chinese Newspaper, I have experienced so many happenings and met so many people in my life, specially criminals and politicians. I did not see God in them and I hardly saw God in what they had done.
I remembered once when I was still a junior reporter, 5 young boys and a girl committed suicide together by burning themselves. I was waiting outside the hospital’s Forensic Room for their post-modem reports and wanted to interview some of their relatives for the news of next day. When I looked at the victims’ parents, they were crying with grief. Some of the news reporters were talking about the 6 victims, saying they were bad students and difficult children in their families. Reporters were trying to put together the 6 victims’ stories and backgrounds. At that particular moment, I was pained and there was a struggle in my heart. I told 1 of the reporters, “why don’t we stop questioning the victims’ parents. I believe they have enough pain and sadness for their loss.” But the reporters refused to stop, one told me, “Nina, this is our job”.
I knew it very well, this was my job. But I also saw myself as a Christian. After that incident, I continue to fully devote and pay much attention, and give my energy in my job. Because of my devotion to my job, I began to look at the people in high position as ordinary people. I handled sensational news as part of my normal routine job. Even when I saw people dying or a poor mother hugging her baby and knocking at the window of 5 stars restaurant with tear filled eyes, I did not feel much for her and I lost my ability to cry.
In situation when people told me, there was a scary car accident right outside our door, my first reaction was to ask, “Is there anyone dead? How many? What race? Chinese?” If the answer was negative, I will tell my reporter, don’t waste time and energy to go out because it had no news value, no one will read that kind of news anymore.
All this time, I never realized that I was already on the wrong track moving away from God and going against my faith as a Catholic. It was much later that I encounter Jesus again through a lay movement call Fondacio.
When I started journeying with Fondacio, I began to ask many questions about my faith, my life, my past, my present and my future. “What is the meaning of my life as a Catholic? As a journalist? Who I am in front of God?” As I reflected on my job and my faith, I was lead to great confusion and struggle… what should I choose? I began to see the world that I was working in as “Darkness” and the community that I was journeying with as “Light”. Why could I not see Light in Darkness? Why does Light and Darkness have been 2 separate worlds? Where is God? Did God really revel Himself in Darkness? I did not know the answer.
I remember once during the class, Dr. Manny was showing us a picture, saying that God is actually reveling Himself in the child who was crying for his dead mother who died either in hunger or war… Dr. Manny said, “God revels Himself in Darkness too.” These words provoked something in me. I could not understand and I could not accept what he said was true.
Today, if anyone were to ask me if theology is really important? I cannot fully agree that it is important for us to study. However, at the same time I believe it is important for me to study theology at this stage of Life. I know this seems to be a paradox, but that what seems to be most significant within me today.
Last Sunday we had a parish visit/exposure to a poor area. As I walked into the urban poor area, looking at the life they lived, the struggles that there are going through, the future that they are hoping for, I could not see the use of theology in this situation, if I do not know how to live out my faith. Theology is dead and useless if it does not help me to live out my faith from day to day.
Now, God has give me a chance to know Him better and be closer through the study of theology, I hope that through these studies, I will be able to go beyond the theology and the Bible, to connect my faith with reality of life, so that after this year of formation when I go back to Malaysia, I will be able to live my life with meaning and live out my faith as a Catholic in the daily encounters of my life.
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Uncategorized | Comments (2)Reflection from Philippines
五月的反省 14th June 2008
愿天主的爱与你们同在。不知不觉已经在菲律宾度过了一个半月，一切安好。还记得首三个星期一直生病，吃不好，睡不好，身材苗条了一点，起码这是一个好处。夏天，这里的天气很热，天气变化无常，爽爽蓝天白云热到汗都干、爽爽下雨、爽爽吹大风。听说雨季会有台风，很恐怖的，不过不知道究竟是怎样的？
怀念小蓝。。。
我住的地方不在马尼拉市中心，这里叫做Quezon City，Tandang Sora个地方不知道怎样跟马来西亚的任何一个地方做比较，到处都是为钱、为生活挣扎的人。空气很污染，这里的主要公共交通工具叫做 Jeepney，大部分的汽车等都是使用 Diesel，所以排出的黑烟很多，不明白为什么本地的政府没有加以控制？还记得刚来时，坐一趟Jeepney 是Peso 7.5（大概50 到60仙），在短短的两个星期内就起价到Peso 8 ，有些甚至Peso 9。如果是以令吉计算，当然不算什么，但是对于这里找、这里吃的人来说，这是很贵，但是又是最便宜的交通工具了，因为大部分的贫穷人，一天的入息都没有3令吉。
当然如果你愿意走路的话，又另当别论。很多时候，如果路途在20分钟内，我都选择步行。回想以前，我很依赖我的小蓝车，即使是5分钟的路程，我都选择开车，然后花很长的时间在停车场兜兜转转，找车位，现在想起真的有点浪费时间、金钱和很少运动。
语言障碍。。。
我住的地方距离St. Vincent De Paul 神学院很近，走路不到10分钟，省钱啊！神学课在6月16日正式开始，我很期待。过去一个多月是暑假课程，对我来说是很清闲，因为主要课程是基础英文、基础电脑、戏剧等等。这些课程的主要目的是准备学生面对未来一年的培训和神学课。为我这是有点轻松，但是对于大部分僚国（Laos）、缅甸（Myanmar）、中国、越南和菲律宾的学生来说就有一点吃力。
我们当中3个30岁，包括我，最小的18岁，其他的年龄大部分是21到23岁，然后26岁的有4、5个。思想、教育、生活经验等等，都有一定的差别。
还记得第一个星期是最辛苦的时刻，因为大部分学生都是第一次离开自己的家和国家，他们的英文水平都比较低，很多时候我都听不懂他们究竟想要表达什么，他们比我更吃力，不断的努力寻求语言上的突破，很多时候我自然而然的成了他们的小老师。
你知道吗？我一对21个来自不同国家的学生都已经觉得一点辛苦，更何况当僚国学生对缅甸、缅甸对越南学生等等的时候，可谓难上加难。大家要面对的不只是语言上的问题，文化、背景等等因素，都是我们这些学生要在未来一年内面对的挑战，如何学习度过团体生活、学习沟通，更重要的是如何在不同的人身上，寻找天主的肖像。
五饼二鱼。。。
对我来说，当中一项挑战是比较辛苦的，如何在有限的资源和食物当中，为超过22人准备食物。有几个早上，当我清早5时15分起身到厨房，才发现厨房内什么都不足够，所需要的食材都几乎没有。心中告诉自己，镇定，我必须想办法不让22人饿肚子。
当中有一个早上，我找完整个厨房只发现4罐沙丁鱼，22人要吃早餐，当中14人是"发育中"的男生，女的也不小吃。22人当中，8人中午要到Miriam 学院上电脑班，我必须为8人准备午餐便当，这也意味要煮30人份的食物！！！
忘了说，我是教育组的组长，不过却也必须和我的4个组员一起负责煮食、洗碗、打扫等等工作。我是很头痛啦，但是却没有在我另外3个组员面前紧张。我心中是默默的祈祷，怎样向耶稣学习，显"五饼二鱼"的奇迹。
当然我不是耶稣，我没有办法行奇迹，不过我尝试煮。我找来大量的黄葱头、蒜米、限量的番茄、小辣椒，把4罐沙丁鱼挤到烂烂，加入多量的水、盐等，煲了三大煲的饭，结果大家竟然吃到很开心，很饱，不断的谢谢我，称赞我的厨艺好。
当天晚上的祈祷，我忍不住哭了。这里的学生都是来自贫穷家庭，我常单独跟他们交谈，他们的家庭每月入息都不超过30美元，上学从来没有零用钱，没有吃早餐、午餐．．．白饭配盐已经是很好的了。不好命的，连学校都没有的去，父母没有能力让他们上学。
来自僚国的一名年轻修生Tui 或者圣名James 的梦想是当神父，他分享他的故事。他的家很穷，父母没有钱让他上学，初时让他进修院的目的也是希望少一个孩子挨饿，这也是唯一让Tui接受教育的方法。
每当谈到钱，他的内心就感到刺痛，因为他知道他的父母为他付出了很多，但是也因为他进入修道院，而父母又必须不断的工作养家，他和父亲从来不曾交谈。
今天，他身无分文的来到菲律宾接受培训，他的父亲写了一封信说："尝试，不要放弃，一步一步来。当你遇到困难和挑战时，回看我们的家。爸爸没有钱给你…。"
他分享到这里，就哭了。我的心很不舒服．．．。我从来不曾为我所有的食物感恩，熟悉我的你们都知道，我是浪费食物的大王，不好吃的食物都千万不要摆在我的面前。如今我回看我的生活，觉得自己浪费了很多人生，也辜负了天主给我的恩宠。今天，虽然食物还是不适合我吃，但是我少了怨言，每一天、每一餐我都在学习以感恩的心，吃完碟子内的食物，一粒饭都不留。当然，我的体重也一天比一天的下降了，我只希望自己的健康能够保持良好。
我的缺陷。。。
人与人相处是我另一项大挑战，特别是这群学生大部分是精力充沛的青年，一有空就拿起吉他弹唱，喜欢就高声喊叫，很吵，加上我必须和另外3个女生共睡一房，我觉得没有私人空间让我喘气。思考、冥想的空间，可谓完全没有，即使图书馆，大家也不会保持安静。
你们都知道，我是一个很容易发脾气的人，特别是在想安静的时候，有人不通气的在我身边说话，又或者我要睡觉，但其他人却还在谈天、开灯等等，都会让我很想骂人。一旦我有这样的情绪的时候，你们都知道我是不出声，脸色十分难看的（虽然我自己不知道自己有多丑啦！），有些学生是真的有点怕我这个样子的。
经过多个礼拜的相处和反省，我不得不面对自己的这个缺点，为什么我这样容易生气。我不得不承认，我的童年有缺陷，造成今天的我。我发现这些都不是家人的错，是我自己过去20多年自我封闭、过分自律、对自己太严格的结果。
曾经Maria Yan 这样告诉我："Nina，你其实还很年轻，但是你却让自己老化。你生命的某一部分是封闭的，你没有完全让你活出自己。年轻时做年轻人应该做的事情，放轻松一点，有时候让自己做一些傻事，让自己疯一下，这是没有错的，享受天主给你的生命，活出你的生命。"
当时我不完全明白，也不完全赞成她说的话，我认为，我必须对自己的生命负责仁，所以我必须自律，我不帮自己，谁帮我？是的，虽然我已经很成功的完成大学，当了大约6年还算不错的记者，但是这样的自律，也造成我的内心硬绷绷，很辛苦。
如今，我开始了解她的那一番话，我也祈求天主协助我在未来的一年内，勇敢的面对内心的软弱，学习如何活出原来的我。
Uncategorized | Comment (0)ONLINE FINALLY!
My Fiends! Finally I can online! But this is just experiment, I will write story for all of u soon YA!! God bless!!!!
Uncategorized | Comment (1)My Last Day at Nanyang
今天是我在报界上班的最后一天，一切都在今天结束了。不知道为什么，竟然没有想象中的沉重，或者哭著离开。立志当记者的我，竟然能够这样轻松、萧洒的说走就走，其实连自己都感到惊讶。
很多人问我，你真的这样舍得？三年时间，你究竟是去做什么？三年后，你又会怎样打算？这个培训会不会给你一张证书或者文凭？
很多很多的问题，完全可以感受到大家的关怀和好奇，心中有著无限的感动。这样的友情，到哪里去找？慧敏说，放下了就放下了，不要回头往。我很赞成，但是也不代表自己一去不回头，或者六亲不认。
未来的路程可能会有一点艰辛，路上也可能会遇到很多挫折，不开心；不过，因为知道身后有著家人的祝福和支持，我相信前方的路能够走得更远。
放下一切到马尼拉培训，放下记者的工作当义工，并不是伟大到想要改变大环境，我没有这个能力。驱使我放下一切的原动力，除了是对自己宗教信仰的热诚和感动，更希望自己能够改变旧我，放下不愉快的过去，活出内心真正的自己。
八岁开始因为父母离异，成长的过程中面对种种的挑战和委屈，为了不让别人看不起，潜意识的自我封闭，永远在他人面前表现刚烈、坚强的样子，一切都无须他人协助，无论经过多困难的时刻，都拒绝让他人帮忙，顽固的要自我解决问题。
在报界的五年半，因着“记者”的名堂大摇大拜在社会中，高官显要、政治人物、警官、明星等，看到我们有你没有你，都要给“记者”三分脸。这样的生活，加上那样的成长背景，造成今天的我，不懂得什么叫谦卑，更不懂的自己问题出在哪里。
别人对我好，我觉得自卑，认为别人是在同情我。我很难表达自己心中的爱和关心，同时也更难接受他人的爱与关怀，尽管心中是一片热火想要在教会内服务更多，但是却是抱著“救世主”的高姿态，岂不知道这样是在伤害着其他人。伤害人后，心中有著无限的内疚，但是却又不知道如何道歉和面对自己的问题。
这一切把我绑到透不过气来，三十年了，一切都足够了。我想找回内心真正的自由，马尼拉的培训，我相信是我找到内心幸福的平台。
朋友们，谢谢你们的祝福。我一定会加油！香港一个明星唱《奇异恩典》，里面有一段歌词深深的触动我，好像是容祖儿吧。
“还有恩典开辟面前，寒季终必会暖，前面会有什么乐园，靠人沿途发现，只需要相信他不远，幸福并不很远，你还在我身边，心足了，一切都不缺”
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Struggles to change in Life
Dear friends, this article wrote on 10th March 2008.
Jesus said, ‘I am the vine and you are the branches. As long as you remain in me and I in you, you bear much fruit; but apart from me you can do nothing.’
During the prayer, I shared a lot the experience of the general election, which temporally put my discernment aside. When Irene was leading the meditation, I saw an image of Jesus as a shepherd, standing in front of a wooden door. I was waiting for him to knock the door, but He did not, He just standing there. I was wondering why He didn’t knock on the door, as I expect Him to do so, and the message will be "knock and the door shall be open, ask and it shall be answer, pray and you shall get".
Hahaha, you see this is me, always thinking myself very clever and can know His plan; in fact, I’m not clever at all. At the end, the message that received was John 15:1-5. When I received this, I don’t really know what it is, until I opened up the Bible, read it, THAN it does knock me down.
It’s all about FAITH. If I am one of the branches, I am sure I am the smallest and thinnest branch, hanging around the vine, if suddenly a strong wind blow, or some naughty children shack the tree, I’m sure I will the first branches to brake out from the vine.
I realize my lack and my weakness, it’s not easy to recognize and to accept my own lacks and weakness, I am tearing now, but I feel peace too to accept this. I don’t know His plan, I don’t know what kind of place He will prepare a head of me, but I believe only I step out to that place, than only I will know the JOY that He is prepare for me. All I have to do now is to believe He is not far away. Am I right?
As I reflect deeper, I see why Jesus just standing in front of the wooden door and didn’t knock on it, because He already knocked since 2005, the time I followed Maria and Simon to China Mission. Take me so long to notice it and take me so long to rise up.
Before the Election Day, another door is open up in front of me, which is No Border Journalist Organization. So far I know more than 180 No Border journalists are in the prison because of Justice that they holding in hand, 5 were dead.
But this is the dream that I want to be when I said I want to be war journalist, which my family all disagree with me. Now this door is open, so much it attracts me.
God has His plan, at this particular moment; send me John 15:1-5 again. Little branch will easily fall from vine, if I go for No Border now. This is another WHY, I think I really need formation from God. I want to be stronger branches and not easily to brake. Without Him, I can do nothing.
Friends, after I wrote down all this, I believe soon I can sleep and make a very critical decision. Life still goes on and still have to back to that cold and lifeless Palace of Justice (so call palace of justice, but I don’t see 100% justice lah).
All I ask for is, friends, please continue to pray for me. I say thank you in heart. For I keep all of you in my daily prayer. (I don’t mean exchange ya, ahaha, sentence put upside down)
Nina
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